This page is under construction, which is a fancy way of saying "I am too drunk to type."Or spell-check.

But this is the tips for those who didn't get around to eBay, thrift stores, pawn shops and costume shops. You put off the sewing machine, you ignored the webmaster's constant pleas to get out and find a costume, and the very hot scantily-clad Pirate lasses and lads are pulling out of the driveway . . .

You are fucked. Try again next year.

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No, not really. Ok, here's what you do:

1) the t-shirt option: get a white t-shirt. Tear it a few times. Throw coffee on it. Take dark slacks or jeans and shred (not cut, SHRED) them below the knee. Take another t-shirt or your bedsheets or your mom's curtains and tear yourself a headscarf. throw some sandals or dress shoes that you can mess up (take the shoes and dunk them in the sink, full of hot water and 1 cup salt). Shipwrecked! You will not be alone in doing this; it's pretty common. Some plan it this way. Plus, this gives you an excuse for your costume to fall apart as the night progresses (nudity on the dance floor has occured, from both genders).

2) The "I have time to run to the store" option: Go to a thrift store, and GUYS - LISTEN UP: go to the women's clothing section. Specifically the suits. There are a TON of sea-captain-themed blazers. Put one on. Find pants that clash. Tie a scarf around your waist (go to the bedsheet section, get a twin sheet). Get some belts (two or more, wide=good). Boots are great, again WOMEN'S SECTION HAS PIRATE BOOTS, men, we get boring crap. Go drag queen and see if you can squeeze into the biggest women's boots. Otherwise, stick with dress shoes. Then hit a pawn shop for a sword or something. Toy stores don't have Pirate guns anymore because we are a boring society, so don't bother.

3) The "I want to put no effort into this at all" option: T-shirt. Marker. Draw a skull. Venture forth. It's been done, you may not be alone.

4) The "what do I have lying around my house, right fucking now, that I can grab as I run out the door and comically change into as I sit at the MAX station?" option: Man, you don't ask for much, do you? Ok, let me think . . . Got any camping stuff? Lanterns? Candles? Candleholders? Bamboo? Rope? Grab the top sheet off your bed and as much of the above stuff as you can carry. Twine, rope, shoelaces or leather thongs will come in handy. Belts if you can. Anything that looks old and wooden/brass/iron. Wooden sticks, boards, etc. Wrap the sheet around your waist and leave the ends hang (you likely will have to rip it lengthwise to make it thin enough to tie, but you were gonna puke on it anyway) low. Stick random long things in the sash (wood=belaying pin, anything else= pirate accessories). Carry one of the other things if it's a lantern, candle or other such thing. Any shirt without a pepsi logo will do, but solid color button-ups (leave the top two or three undone) work for both genders, and solid color or striped slacks. Grab a marker to make a quick jolly roger tattoo. I have tried all the above tricks and they actually work quite well. Any leather or canvas bag without a modern logo works well.

No matter what though, bring cash. Credit cards do not work at bar crawls. God says so. It's in the bible, I swear.