This page is under construction, which is a fancy way of saying "I am too drunk to type."Or spell-check.

First, here are some tips from livejournal:

http://community.livejournal.com/damnportlanders/9650011.html

http://community.livejournal.com/damnportlanders/9566778.html

Then, here are my super-basic tips. In a hurry? Check the fast section. Got time, but broke? Check the cheap section.

1) Pawn shops are great places to buy swords. Get those cheap, crappy Pakistani-made curved swords if you can, and then put them in a plastic bag with some bleach for a week. Then beat the crap out of it with a hammer (wear goggles). It will look 500 years old.

2) eBay is a great place to buy guns. Search for "flintlock" and you will see a ton of realistic replicas (they don't go bang). Want something more realistic? Go to eBay's sporting goods section, click on the hunting section, and THEN type in "flintlock," "muzzleloader" or "black powder," and the word "pistol." You will see several half-guns that are broken up among two auctions. This will set you back $250 or so, but you wind up with a REAL gun that makes a lot of smoke and noise. It ain't an UZI, and nobody's gonna shoot up a shopping mall with a gun that uses 15th century technology. But if you load it during Plunderathon, we will take it away from you and donate it to the Portland Police Bureau. We will donate you as well. And it should not have to be said, but it has to be said because some dumbass in 2006: don't point these pirate guns, even if they are fake, even if they are plastic, at cops. The cops have guns too, and theirs hurt more.

3) eBay is a great place to get clothing. Search for "poet shirt" (NEVER buy the polyester/nylon/dacron/whateverthefuckon material. This is a 12 hour event, you really wanna wear that stuff all day? In JUNE?). Also, band uniform jackets are a very cheap Pirate costume.

4) Two leather belts can hook together to make a balderic (the leather thing that goes across your chest and holds swords or guns). Two ends go together the normal way, the other two ends sort of sit on top of each other and connect backwards. . . try it a few ways and you will work it out. Just do a half-twist between the first and second belt and it will lay flat against your skin just fine. Stick the sword through the buckle.

5) Any wide-brimmed hat can make a tricorn. Soak it in hot water, mold it however you want, and wear it until dry (or set it VERY CAREFULLY on something that won't move for a whole day). Stick a feather or two in there, or any scrap of lace.

6) Hot Topic has a ton of skull stuff. Pins, rings, etc. Suck it up and go inside. If you can't bring yourself to shop at a place owned by the Gap (it could be worse; it could be Abercrombie & Fitch), there is a great store on west Burnside between 2nd and 1st (around the corner from the Paris Theatre) that has GREAT skull and crossbones stuff. Stick the pins through your hat, jacket, etc.

7) Jackets are hard to pull off. You will either luck out or you won't. It's June, so don't worry about it.

8) GUYS: go to the women's section. Seriously, I am not kidding. They get cool Pirate stuff in the women's clothing and shoe section ALL THE DAMN TIME. THey are just hiding this fact from us! Rebel! Go! They have Pirate boots, frilly Pirate shirts, seacaptain-y Pirate coats, Pirate pants . . . GALS: try not to look so smug! We have pockets in our clothes! All of them! Even some of our T-SHIRTS have pockets! SO THERE! ! !

9) Speaking of boots: most Pirates wore low-quarter shoes (that means "the boring shoes people wear with suits"). Soak them for half an hour to three hours in warm salty water (salt + water + bathtub if you can't work that part out on your own). Ring them out, be brutal. Then take ALL your socks out of the drawer, and go for a hike. Change socks every five to ten minutes to keep your feet from blistering. When the shoes are dry, they will be very very comfy, and also quite searworn. Boots are very hard to find, and if your feet are above a men's 9 or women's 12, you are frankly screwed unless you want to buy on eBay (there are some great boots on eBay, but watch out for vinyl that will kill your feet). Do NOT, no matter how dead-sexy they look, wear boots with high heels, boots that don't fit, ANY uncomfortable footwear. You will be limping by 8pm, miss out on all the dancing later that night and will be cranky as hell. We don't walk super far, but we do walk all night long (one bar at a time).

10) Vests on the other hand . . . the longer the better, go for plain colors, have fun with it. I am tired of typing now, fake the rest of this section yourself, go forth and enjoy.

-Dave The Horrible